# JOKE



## johncrane (Feb 24, 2007)

What do you call a Dead Dog Tree[?]
Answer! a Tree with no bark!


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## Gary Max (Feb 24, 2007)

Quick get a shovel-------------


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## DocStram (Feb 24, 2007)

John?  As Founding President of the IAP Awful Joke Club .... I hereby extend to you an honorary membership. []


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## Gary Max (Feb 24, 2007)

Al---- John may be after your job??????????????


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## wudnhed (Feb 24, 2007)

Where are my boots!!!!!!!!


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## jjenk02 (Feb 24, 2007)

> _Originally posted by Gary Max_
> <br />Al---- John may be after your job??????????????



No chance, Al still has the job hands down.[]


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## johncrane (Feb 24, 2007)

Thanks Doc its a very sick joke.
it should of said   What do you call a tree with no Bark!  A dead dog tree!
Still sick.
l will agree with James also,  but Doc l don't mind being a member in your bad joke club just kick me in the bun when l am bad.

[]


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## wudnhed (Feb 25, 2007)

Unlike Al, the president of IAJC, at least John got the joke correct[}][][]


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## johncrane (Feb 26, 2007)

Thanks for your support Becca!  has my president (shut the gate) 
A statement made when it appears that the winner is obvious,
'He's so far in front it's shut the gate'
Doc do l get the boot.[}][][]


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## Ozzy (Feb 26, 2007)

That was pretty bad, so for payback; What do you call a dog with no legs? ....It doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't coming.


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## DocStram (Feb 26, 2007)

OK, OK ....... I think I got another one.   

Speaking of dogs .... when I was a kid, I named my dog "Stay". Whenever I would call him, I would say ..... "Come, Stay. Come!".   Then whenever I wanted him to Stay, I'd say "Stay, Stay!".  It got worse whenever I tried to teach him how to sit ..... "Stay, Sit! No! Sit, Stay!"  

OK .... there's more.  When he got older .... I kept trying to teach him how to "Mooo". My mother asked me what I was doing. I told her I was teaching  him a second language.  

Later on I gave him to my grandfather to be a Seeing Eye Dog.  But, my grandfather got mad and gave him back to me.  My dog started doing impressions of screeching cars.

My mom and dad began talking about taking my dog "to the farm". Man, did I ever cry and kick up a fuss. So, instead ... they took me.

I'm done. That's as funny as I get.   []


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## Ozzy (Feb 26, 2007)

One day me and my best friend, Dave, were driving through a neighborhood and when we stopped at a stop sign, Dave noticed a German Sheppard licking....on second thought, I probably shouldn't tell that one here.
 I think that if I could invent a dog food that tasted like dog butt, I'd be a millionaire.
 Okay, now I'm done.


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## wudnhed (Feb 26, 2007)

> _Originally posted by DocStram_
> <br />OK, OK ....... I think I got another one.
> 
> Speaking of dogs .... when I was a kid, I named my dog "Stay". Whenever I would call him, I would say ..... "Come, Stay. Come!".   Then whenever I wanted him to Stay, I'd say "Stay, Stay!".  It got worse whenever I tried to teach him how to sit ..... "Stay, Sit! No! Sit, Stay!"
> ...



Sorry Al, but me thinks you have truly lost it this time[:0][:0][:0]

Ozzy, good one, I know that joke[}]


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## johncrane (Feb 27, 2007)

Becca is that why doc is president of the IAP Awful Joke club and l am only a member hey Al,l think we need more members.[][]


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## jckossoy (Feb 27, 2007)

Oh, I get it.  I get joke. Ha! Ha! [][][][][]

Kol Tov,


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## freedomhouse (Feb 27, 2007)

The Purina Diet: 

I was in KMart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line 
to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........Duh!! 

I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting 
The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended 
up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I 
awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my 
orifices and IV's in both arms. 

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.   I went on and on with the bogus 
diet story and she was totally buying it.  I told her that it was an 
easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your 
pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every 
time you feel hungry.  The package said the food is nutritionally 
complete so I was going to try it again. 

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now 
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. 

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and 
was that why I ended up in the hospital. 

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car 
hit me. 

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.


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## Grizzlyss (Feb 27, 2007)

First time I heard that Purina joke I did have to be carried out. LOL. Makes me wonder, we have a Purina dog food plant in our town.

Sheldon


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## ilikewood (Feb 27, 2007)

Rob ROTFL!!![)]


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## Gary Max (Feb 27, 2007)

That may win a award for BEST Joke---I ain't heard that one before


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## jjenk02 (Feb 27, 2007)

He posted the dog food joke on the wrong thread, this is the bad joke thread in honor of Al[][][][]


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## johncrane (Feb 27, 2007)

Thats right James Bad/sick jokes only. sorry maybe l better check with Doc first.[V][^][][]


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## low_48 (Feb 27, 2007)

Here's my try at the joke thread. 
A rather homely hippie chick walks into a bar, raises her arm (insert heavy body hair image here) and asks for someone to buy her a drink. Everone turns away except for an intoxicated gentlemen at the far end of the bar. He shouts out, "I'll buy that beautiful ballerina a drink." Time passes and the scene is repeated with the gentlemen at the end of the bar saying this time, "I'll buy that beautiful ballerina a drink and bring another for me." The bartender brings the drink to the gentlemen and asks,"Buddy, I just don't understand this beautiful ballerina thing as you buy her the drinks". He replies, "Well any young lady that raises her leg that high must be a ballernia."


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## johncrane (Feb 27, 2007)

ha!ha! l like that one Richard.see what doc thinks.[^][][]


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## DocStram (Feb 27, 2007)

Ohhhhh mannnn ...these are too funny.  Whewwww.


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## TellicoTurning (Feb 27, 2007)

Since we are telling awful and sick jokes...

What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in a swimming pool.





Bob


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## DocStram (Feb 27, 2007)

These dog stories remind me of something really horrible that happened about 20 years ago when I lived in Pennsylvania. 

I stopped to get gas at a gas station in a real run down looking neighborhood. It wasn't the best place in the world to stop but I needed gas real bad. 

Well, to make a long story short .... there were about 6 or 7 real tough looking young guys hanging out by the side of the gas station. I guess they were teenagers. I'm just pumping gas trying to mind my own business, when I see a stray dog walking by.  Out of the corner of my eye I see one of the teenagers take an old gas can and tie it to the poor dog's tail.  Then they struck a match. 

That poor dog started running around in circles with that lit gas can tied to his tail. It was terrible. He just kept making circles and yelping.  I didn't know what to do. He just kept running in circles. Next thing I know, the dog finally stopped.


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## LEAP (Feb 27, 2007)

what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a ditch?


Phil


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## DocStram (Feb 27, 2007)

> _Originally posted by LEAP_
> <br />what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a ditch?
> 
> 
> Phil


Waaaaaiiiittttt Phil!  You're supposed to ask me what happened to the dog!  []


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## LEAP (Feb 27, 2007)

Al, I've heard that one before. I'll let someone else bite on that line.[]


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## ctwxlvr (Feb 27, 2007)

I'll bite what happened to the dog?


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## DocStram (Feb 27, 2007)

"he ran out of gas."    Thought you'd never ask. []


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## LEAP (Feb 27, 2007)

It looks like Al is going to leave you hanging[}]
oops to late.


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## DocStram (Feb 27, 2007)

Ok, Phil .... what do you call a guy in the ditch with no arms and no legs???


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## LEAP (Feb 27, 2007)

Phil or Fill


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## DocStram (Feb 28, 2007)

> _Originally posted by LEAP_
> <br />Phil or Fill


Welcome to the club. Don't worry about the dues ....... your joke was so bad that you qualify for an Honorary Membership. [}]


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## Ozzy (Feb 28, 2007)

Here's a joke for the woemn:
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you".
Here's one for the men:
I married a Miss Right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.


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## DocStram (Feb 28, 2007)

Oz?  You just qualified as well.  []


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## LEAP (Feb 28, 2007)

Al,
you ain't seen bad yet:

What do yo call a lady with one leg shorter than the other?
Ilene


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## RonRaymond (Feb 28, 2007)

How about...What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

Not-a-joke...the other day my 10 year old son asked "Dad...why don't they make mouse flavored cat food?"  I told him 'cause then someone would make cat flavored dog food and all the cat people would get upset.


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## Ozzy (Feb 28, 2007)

What do you call a woman with no arms and one leg?
Peg.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying under a car?
Screwed.   Actually, it's Jack.


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## wudnhed (Feb 28, 2007)

FINE, I guess I'll have to get in on this[]

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?


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## wudnhed (Feb 28, 2007)

What the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?


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## pssherman (Feb 28, 2007)

> _Originally posted by wudnhed_
> <br />FINE, I guess I'll have to get in on this[]
> 
> What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?



One tries to get you to commit and the other tries to get you committed.

Paul in AR


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## Jerryconn (Feb 28, 2007)

> _Originally posted by wudnhed_
> <br />FINE, I guess I'll have to get in on this[]
> 
> What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?



About 30 minutes []


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## johncrane (Feb 28, 2007)

Hey Doc' our membership is now growing' maybe we could have the worst joke of the month contest![}][][]


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## wudnhed (Feb 28, 2007)

> _Originally posted by wudnhed_
> <br />FINE, I guess I'll have to get in on this[]
> 
> What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?



About 45 lbs[]


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## wudnhed (Feb 28, 2007)

> _Originally posted by wudnhed_
> <br />What the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?



About 45 minutes[}]


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## wudnhed (Feb 28, 2007)

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?


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## johncrane (Feb 28, 2007)

l give up Becca what did she say


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## Gary Max (Feb 28, 2007)

How did that Happen???????????


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## wudnhed (Feb 28, 2007)

> _Originally posted by wudnhed_
> <br />What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?



Are you sure it's mine Doc?


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## wudnhed (Feb 28, 2007)

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old woman to say the "F" word?


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## Woodlvr (Feb 28, 2007)

Tell her she's pregnant?


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## wudnhed (Feb 28, 2007)

Have another sweet little 80 year old woman yell "Bingo"[]

OK, am I a member of the club now?????????


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## Grizzlyss (Feb 28, 2007)

Hear about the pregnant brunette, redhead, and blonde at the doctors office, they wanted to know if they were going to have a boy or a girl. The doctor asks the brunette if her husband was on top, she says yes, the doctor says your going to have a boy. Then he asks the redhead, and she says she was on top, he says your going to have a girl, the the blonde starts to cry, and exclaims "I'm going to have a puppy!"

Sheldon
Can I get a membership now. LOL


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## Texas Taco (Mar 1, 2007)

If waitress' with big breasts work at Hooter's, where does a one legged waitress work?


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## Gary Max (Mar 1, 2007)

I-hop-----------how's that for 3:20am-----dang I got to get to work---


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## leehljp (Mar 1, 2007)

What is the difference between In-laws and Outlaws?







Outlaws are wanted! [] [}]


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## Texas Taco (Mar 1, 2007)

Little Johnny, "Dad why are you bald?"
Dad, "I'm not bald, that's a solar panel for the sex machine."


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## Ozzy (Mar 1, 2007)

What say, "Oooo"?




A cow with no lips!


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## johncrane (Mar 1, 2007)

(AN IRISHMAN'S DIET)
An lrishman was terribly overweight so his doctor put him on a diet
'l want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time l see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds' When the lrishman returned,he shocked the doctor by having lost 60 pounds!! 'Why, that's amazing' the doctor said, "did you follow my instructions[?]" The lrishman nodded...."I"ll tell you though, by Jaesuz,I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat third day"    From hunger you mean[?]    "No,from all de bloody skippin!!!


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## Texas Taco (Mar 3, 2007)

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a KTM rider and that's why I'm in such good shape.  I'm up well before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, shootin' sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, gnarliest hills I can find at the crack of dawn."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" 

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive... he's a KTM rider too."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" 

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!  How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 117 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went riding with you this Sunday too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"


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## wudnhed (Mar 6, 2007)

I was checking out at Walmart the other day and saw a lady walk in with two kids.  She was screaming and yelling at them to the top of her voice.  She had on dirty jeans, a ripped  shirt and flip flops exsposing her cracked and filthy feet with yellowing toenails.  When she yelled at her children you could see she had missing teeth and the teeth she had left were yellow and crooked.  As she entered the store, the greeter said, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart.  What lovely children you have, are they twins?"  The woman stops screaming long enough to reply, "He** no, and what ever gave you that idea, do you think they look alike?"  "No" says the greeter, "I can't imagine anyone making love to you twice"


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## LostintheWoods (Mar 6, 2007)

Question: What did mama bullet say to papa bullet????
    Answer: We're gonna have a BB!
         Now, THAT'S FUNNY!!!!!


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## jaywood1207 (Mar 6, 2007)

What's the definition of a good farmer?

A guy who's outstanding in his field.

What's the difference between a Harley and a vacuum?

The position of the dirt bag.


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## jaywood1207 (Mar 6, 2007)

Bob was happily involved with Lorraine for years.  One day he met Clearly and was swept off his feet but the problem was he was still with Lorraine.  One day Bob and Lorraine were crossing the street when Lorraine was struck by a bus and killed.  Bob was very distraught at first but then he realized....





I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone.


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## jjenk02 (Mar 6, 2007)

Jamie and Shannon, those were BADDDDDDDD.. I'm sure you rate a membership in Al's club....[][][][]


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## wudnhed (Mar 6, 2007)

That was pretty good Jamie, LOL[]


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## johncrane (Mar 7, 2007)

Yes Red carpet treatment for Jamie and Shannon to our membership.[][][]


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## Ozzy (Mar 7, 2007)

Have you ever wondered what chairs would look like if our legs bent the other way?


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