# What ? . No Forum For Jokes ?



## magpens (Feb 17, 2019)

Probably 99.9% of IAP members have already heard this one.

But my nearly 99-year-old Dad told it to me on the phone tonight and we had a good laugh.

A couple of indigenous Americans were watching the Pilgrim Fathers disembark a few hundred years ago.

The one says to the other ... "See, I told you so. . We should have built a wall ! "


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## WriteON (Feb 17, 2019)

magpens said:


> Pilgrim Fathers



If April showers bring May flowers...what do MayFlowers bring?



you're gonna hate this...............Pilgrims



So... A man walked into bar with a set of jumper cables in his hand.  Bartender says I'll serve you but don't start anything.


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## mark james (Feb 17, 2019)

Nope, no special forum for jokes.

We just haven't gotten a round tuit.


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## magpens (Feb 17, 2019)

mark james said:


> Nope, no special forum for jokes.
> 
> We just haven't gotten a round tuit.



"a round tuit" ... haven't got one yet, eh ? . . When will you ? . . I need one .

I'm told that it should be in every penturner's arsenal !


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## bsshog40 (Feb 17, 2019)

I heard a great joke about amnesia once, but I forgot it.


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## Woodchipper (Feb 17, 2019)

I posted a pen once. Does that count?


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## magpens (Feb 17, 2019)

Woodchipper said:


> I posted a pen once. Does that count?



Was it a joke ? :biggrin:


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## Brian G (Feb 17, 2019)

What's the best time to go to the dentist? 

Two-thirty.


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## wolf creek knives (Feb 18, 2019)

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The Bartender walks up to him and says "We don't serve mushrooms here".  The mushroom replies "Why not?  I'm a fungi"
Sorry old joke but it's about the only one I can post here.


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## Monty (Feb 18, 2019)

A skeleton walks in a bar and orders a beer and a mop.


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## Monty (Feb 18, 2019)

Did you hear about the dwarf fortune teller that escaped from prison? Headline read small medium at large.


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## Kenny Durrant (Feb 18, 2019)

I'm sure everyone's heard of Albert Einstien. He was a genius. He has a brother Frank that's a real monster.


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## jcm71 (Feb 18, 2019)

magpens said:


> mark james said:
> 
> 
> > Nope, no special forum for jokes.
> ...



Hey, no fair giving away answers to Edgar's crossword puzzle.


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## Talltim (Feb 18, 2019)

Joke is not original to me. 

Did you hear about the woodworker who died when he fell into a vat of varnish?

It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.


BTW

His girlfriend had tried out for the job “shellac”ed the talent to do it.


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## hcpens (Feb 18, 2019)

Why does some woodworker use acrylic?

..... Someone has to save the trees.


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## Curly (Feb 18, 2019)

Groaners eh. Okay.

Canadians will get this one. Where do Newfies keep their armies?  In their sleevies.

What is the difference between Broccoli and snot. Kids won't eat their Broccoli.


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## bsshog40 (Feb 18, 2019)

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.


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## StanBrown (Feb 18, 2019)

What did the chicken say when he saw an orange in the nest?  Look at the orange mama laid.


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## StanBrown (Feb 18, 2019)

Where do you find a dog with no legs?  Right where you left him.


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## StanBrown (Feb 18, 2019)

Did you hear about the 3-legged dog that walked into a bar in Wyoming?  The bartender said, "What are you doing here?"  The dog replied, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


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## StanBrown (Feb 18, 2019)

Why did the chicken cross the tennis court?  The ref was calling fowls.


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## StanBrown (Feb 18, 2019)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the squirrel cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.


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## More4dan (Feb 19, 2019)

StanBrown said:


> Why did the chicken cross the road?
> To get to the other side.
> Why did the squirrel cross the road?
> He was stapled to the chicken.





I’ve heard a slightly different version,
Why did the Punk Rocker cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken. 


Sent from my iPad using Penturners.org mobile app


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## Monty (Feb 19, 2019)

StanBrown said:


> Where do you find a dog with no legs?  Right where you left him.



What do you call a dog with no legs?


Doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 19, 2019)

Whats red and smells like blue paint?...........


Red paint!


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 19, 2019)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the wood turners house.

Knock knock..
Who's there?
The chicken!


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## Terredax (Feb 19, 2019)

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?


The taste. :tongue:


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 19, 2019)

What is sticky and brown?

A stick.


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 19, 2019)

A cannibal came home late to family dinner. 

He got the cold shoulder.


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## Curly (Feb 19, 2019)

What's green and red and goes in circles at 500 miles an hour?
Frog in a blender.

What do you get when you add milk and eggs?
Frognog.


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## Terredax (Feb 19, 2019)

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?



A receding hare line!


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## gimpy (Feb 19, 2019)

Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked


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## Terredax (Feb 19, 2019)

When I heard that oxygen and magnesium got together I was like OMg.





Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?




How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.


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## KLJ (Feb 19, 2019)

I was told the chicken crossed the road to show the possum it could be done.


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## mark james (Feb 19, 2019)

If you are attacked by a passel of clowns - go for the Juggler.


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## Curly (Feb 19, 2019)

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.


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## wolf creek knives (Feb 19, 2019)

There are some great one-liners here.  I'm still laughing and my wife thinks I'm an idiot.  Maybe she's right?  But they're still funny!!!


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## magpens (Feb 19, 2019)

I did not know that starting this thread would produce such a rewarding return on investment !

 And I don't mind being thought an idiot by anyone, even my wife ... the laughs are worth it !

I think that we should have a new sub-forum created for just this !


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 19, 2019)

Ok, ok.. 
Let's just say you're walking down the street and a yellow sailboat goes by, the front left tire is spinning backwards, a banana is this (@#$%%) color. How many pancakes can you fit in a doghouse? True or False

True, there are no bones in ice cream


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 19, 2019)

magpens said:


> I did not know that starting this thread would produce such a rewarding return on investment !
> 
> And I don't mind being thought an idiot by anyone, even my wife ... the laughs are worth it !
> 
> I think that we should have a new sub-forum created for just this !



Mal,

I think the sub-forum has spawned on its own


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## bsshog40 (Feb 19, 2019)

What is red and white on the outside, and gray and white on the inside?
Campbells cream of elephant soup.

What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
Man, that hit the spot.


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## leehljp (Feb 19, 2019)

OK, so I am a minister and have a mild form of dyslexia. So here goes:

An oldie from long ago:
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed awake at night wondering if there was a dog!


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## Chuck Key (Feb 19, 2019)

leehljp said:


> OK, so I am a minister



Ok, so here is one for the minister.

What did the fish say when he bumped is head swimming up stream?  Dam.


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 20, 2019)

What side does a dog have more hair on?


The outside!


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## Curly (Feb 20, 2019)

The third joke I forgot to add to post 30.

What happens when you drink frognog?
You croak.


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## moke (Feb 20, 2019)

A guy walks into a bar carrying a slab of asphalt, and says I'll take two beers, one for me and one for the road.....


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## Woodchipper (Feb 20, 2019)

A guy walked into a bar. He asked the bartender for something cold and full of gin. The bartender brought out his mother-in-law.


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## Woodchipper (Feb 20, 2019)

Two rabbis walked into a bar. They didn't see it soon enough.


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 20, 2019)

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?


Elephino!


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## magpens (Feb 20, 2019)

Woodchipper said:


> Two rabbis walked into a bar. They didn't see it soon enough.




I don't get this one .... but don't bother to explain .... That could get us into delicate territory.


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## StanBrown (Feb 20, 2019)

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a lion?  I don't know either, but when it talks you better listen.


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## StanBrown (Feb 20, 2019)

Do you know why cannibals don't eat clowns?  They taste funny.


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## studioseven (Feb 20, 2019)

What do you get when you cross a mole with a porcupine?



A tunnel that leaks.

Seven


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 20, 2019)

What did the Magician/Fisherman from Boston Massachusetts say?


Pick a Cod, any Cod.


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## randyrls (Feb 20, 2019)

Stephen Wright:
Some people are afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.

"I went to a place to eat. It said 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

How do you tell when you're pen is out of invisible ink?

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Last one below


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 20, 2019)

randyrls said:


> Stephen Wright:
> Some people are afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.
> 
> "I went to a place to eat. It said 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
> ...



Classic!
Someone broke into my apartment and stole everything and replaced it with exact duplicates.. Stephen Wright.


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## WriteON (Feb 20, 2019)

How do make a kleenex dance?





Put a boogie in it.......Boo...hiss


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## steamshovel (Feb 21, 2019)

how do you get a one armed politician out of a tree


wave at him


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## Terredax (Feb 21, 2019)

How do you catch a squirrel?


Climb a tree, and act like a nut.


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## Terredax (Feb 21, 2019)

A man walked into a zoo, the only animal was a dog.


It was a shiatsu.


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## Terredax (Feb 21, 2019)

OK, it's a pen forum...



What type of pen does Lance Armstrong use?


A Uni-ball


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 21, 2019)

It was so cold out today. I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 21, 2019)

Hmmmmm...
Decisions decisions..
Full frontal lobotomy. OR...
Full bottle in front of me:question:


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 21, 2019)

Terredax said:


> OK, it's a pen forum...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I guess we should be tuning pens :befuddled:


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## BSea (Feb 22, 2019)

When a knight in armour is killed in battle, what sign do they put on his grave?


Rust in peace!


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## bsshog40 (Feb 22, 2019)

This has turned out to be a very active fun thread! I'm glad we have some members that have a sense of humor!


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## Brian G (Feb 22, 2019)

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

"Robin, get in the car."


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## bsshog40 (Feb 22, 2019)

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”
Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”
Doctor: “Nine.”


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 22, 2019)

What do you call a Penguin without a Pen?


A guin


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 22, 2019)

Terredax said:


> OK, it's a pen forum...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Pen  :biggrin:


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## leehljp (Feb 22, 2019)

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted!


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## wolf creek knives (Feb 23, 2019)

A boy was attending his first wedding.  After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy.  All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

This came out of the March 2019 American Legion magazine.


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## More4dan (Feb 23, 2019)

This is a long one so stick with me. 

It’s there 30th wedding anniversary and Mary wakes up a 4:30 and realizes her husband isn’t in bed. Fearing the worst she searches the house to no avail. Finally she finds him on the back porch, sitting, in the dark. She asked him what’s wrong, are you okay. 
He responds, I was just remembering that day 30 years ago today. I was 18 and you were 17.  We just found out you were pregnant and decided to tell your parents. Your Dad dragged me in front of his brother the Judge. My choices were to marry you on the spot or go to jail for statutory rape. 


I’d a got out today!


Sent from my iPhone using Penturners.org mobile app


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## bsshog40 (Feb 23, 2019)

A funeral precession was going down the street. A guy walking down the street  noticed an old man with his hat off, over his heart and then put it back on after the precession went by. He caught up with the old man and said, "that was pretty respectful of you as that precession went by". The old man replied "it was the least I could do, was married to her for 40 years. "


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## firewhatfire (Feb 23, 2019)

If your'e ever sad

just imagine the tree that grew 20 years to grow then end up becoming a Justin Beiber notebook.


saddest joke ever


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## RSQWhite (Feb 24, 2019)

Name the following:
 A man with no arms or legs in a lake?

Bob

A man with no arms or legs on the porch?

Matt

A man with no arms or legs hanging on a wall?

Art

A girl with no arms or legs on the beach?

Sandy

A girl with one leg shorter than the other?

ILENE

Same girl in Japan 

IRENE

And finally! What do you call a dog with no legs in a swimming pool?


Bob Barker. 


Sent from my iPad using Penturners.org mobile app


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## Curly (Feb 24, 2019)

You forgot a few more bad ones.

Man with no arms and legs under a pile of leaves?

Russel.

Man with no arms and legs tumbling downhill?

Rollie.

Man with no arms and legs with a cut?

Nick.

Man with no arms and legs on a pile of money?

Rich.


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## Timber Ripper (Feb 24, 2019)

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.


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## BSea (Feb 26, 2019)

Make love, not war. Or get married and do both.


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## RSQWhite (Feb 26, 2019)

A woman distraught over the death of  her husband was offered encouragement by a close friend who said”plethora “. The distraught woman stopped crying and said “ thanks that means a lot.”


Sent from my iPad using Penturners.org mobile app


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## Kenny Durrant (Feb 26, 2019)

Two old men were talking while the wives cook dinner.
 Joe asked his buddy how his memory class was going.
 Sam said "It was great. They taught me word association".
 Joe asked "What's that"? 
Sam said "It's when you think of a word that will help you remember the thing  you want to remember".
 Joe said "Maybe I should try going. What's the name of the school"? 
Sam thought and said "What's the name of the red flower that has thorns and all women love"? 
Joe said "A Rose". 
Sam Yells "That's it! Hey Rose what's the name of that  school I've been going to?


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## Terredax (Feb 26, 2019)

What's invisible, and smells like carrots?






Bunny Farts.


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## JRK (Feb 26, 2019)

Scientist studying the migratory habits of geese finally explained the reason that the V formation they use when flying has one side longer than the other.....      There are more geese on that side.


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## JRK (Feb 26, 2019)

Did you know that in Canary Islands there are no canaries.  Also in the Virgin islands, same thing -- no canaries.


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## bobjackson (Feb 26, 2019)

Two old men were talking, and one said " if I get married again she will have lots of this" and made the universal sign for money. "She will also have these" and made the universal gesture for a big chest. His friend said " I understand you want her to have money, buy why would you want her to to have arthritis in her hands?"


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## wolf creek knives (Feb 26, 2019)

A drunk lady staggers into a bar and yells at the Bartender
"Beertender, give me a Martuni I have heartburn"
The Bartender, nicely, tells the drunk lady
"I'm a Bartender not a Beertender, and it's a Martini not a Martuni"
The lady replies "Okie Dokey"
After about 15 minutes the drunk lady again yells out,
"Beertender, give me a Martuni I have heartburn"
The Bartender returns to the lady with her drink and again tells her 
"Listen lady, I'm a Bartender not a Beertender, and it's a Martini not a Martuni and you don't have heartburn, your b%&b's in the ashtray".


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## TellicoTurning (Feb 26, 2019)

A man won $50,000,000 in the lottery... he told his wife that he was taking the money with him when he died and 

she was to put it in his casket at his funeral.
 He subsequently died and the wife was sitting in the front pew with a box in her lap... she walked up to the casket and put it inside and returned to her seat.
Her friend sitting with her exclaimed "You didn't really put all that money in his casket?"
The wife replied, "Yes I did, just like he asked me to..... I wrote him a check."


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## JRK (Feb 27, 2019)

The flame of a candle smells exactly like burned nose hair.


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## Timber Ripper (Mar 5, 2019)

Even though you are in the privacy of your own home and home alone. What is the one thing you should NOT do while naked?

Fry Bacon!


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## Wagner11 (Mar 5, 2019)

I know this might be iffy so I'll remove it if necessary. 

I bought some shoes off a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk


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## JRK (Mar 12, 2019)

Bigfoot saw me, but no one believes him.


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